Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just gift wrapped bread.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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