Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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