My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
