I am midnight drunk by noon
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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