Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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