She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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