im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
