when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
