Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
