I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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