Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
