What did we do last night that was yellow?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Someone stole a lamp last night.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
