Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
