i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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