That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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