omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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