I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
should my penis look like a turkey
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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