She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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