I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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