youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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