He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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