Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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