So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
