you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
