Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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