Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
