I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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