He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
