I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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