Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
