my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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