if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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