Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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