the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
