just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
