this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
