I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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