even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
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You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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