then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
