i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
