shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
