I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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