So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
