Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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