Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
