If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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