it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
