I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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