If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
