Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
