i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
the raccoons are back...
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