3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
