my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
