Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
