she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
