I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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